Last week, we talked about the holidays and potential conflict that may arise. As we enter the new year, here are the steps you can take to begin moving toward healthy conflict reconciliation:
• Start soon. Waiting only drives the problem underground. Even if you have to do a phone call or quick email, let the person know you need to talk. The longer you wait, the harder it is to confront and the more the anger builds.
• Meet face to face. Never engage in conflict through social media. Granted, you might have to Skype or FaceTime if the person is living far away. But voices and facial expressions communicate so much that you cannot see or feel with text alone.
• Affirm the relationship. Let the other(s) know they matter to you and that’s why you need to deal with this. Genuinely remind them why they matter to you and that your desire is to healthfully navigate though the issue so that the relationship may be healed and restored.
• Make observations, not accusations. “I felt … I heard you say … My understanding of what happened is …” are all better than making “You” statements. By keeping the conversation on how you felt and what your perspective was, it helps the other person not respond in defensiveness.
• Get the facts. Listen. After you have made your brief, clear comments, listen. What do you see on their face? What is their tone of voice? Are they angry, confused, sad, humbled, engaged? Ask questions to clarify the content and the feeling. Make sure they know you have heard them fully!
• Promote reconciliation. You can get to a point of healing and forgiveness. You might not fully restore the relationship—ever. Serious breakdowns and destructive actions may mean the end of the relationship, or operating at a new level. But in many cases, there can be reconciliation (both parties resolve the conflict, acknowledge the damage, ask for forgiveness, and move ahead).
Let’s make that our goal for 2020!
